In which the blogger is interviewed by his own self

RP: Hi, Ryan.

RP: Hi, great to be here.

RP: Where?

RP: Um, in bed, actually. I have a sore throat, which is not great, but I've taken the day off work and am still in my pajamas at 1:00pm, which is pretty great.

RP: So what's new? You haven't posted anything in a while.

RP: That's true, yes. To be honest, not very much is going on. Since I last posted, I've began taking a statistics course, I've-

RP: And how's that going?

RP: Not very well, frankly. I took a statistics course six years ago and did fairly well, but I don't remember very much of it at all.

RP: I guess calculating probability doesn't come up very much in your day-to-day life.

RP: Well it does, but it's mostly guesses, not mathematical equations. So for instance, I might try to determine whether I can get through an intersection before the light turns red, or whether a certain combonation of - what? combonation? That's not a word, sorry. Combination is what I meant to say. Whether a certain combination of words will entice my son to eat his dinner, and so on. I generally don't spend a lot of time calculating the odds of getting heads three times out of twenty-eight.

RP: Do you think you'll drop the class?

RP: No, probably not, I prefer the work-my-ass-off-to-an-unhealthy-degree approach, but god it's tempting to just quit something I care so little about. At the end of Feburary I'll finish a project at work, and have an extra 10 hours a week to study - the trick is not to get too far behind between now and then. So I might disappear, socially, for a while.

RP: Some people might say that pretending to interview oneself by typing a pretend dialogue/monologue while binge-eating Halls cough drops in one's pajamas is a clear sign that you've taken some steps in the direction of social reclusiveness.

RP: Touché.

RP: Why are you taking statistics, anyway?

RP: It's a required course for the Master's in Speech-Language Pathology at McGill, to which I plan to apply next year.

RP: Right. I think I knew about that. What else is new?

RP: Well, since leaving facebook, I've surprised myself by starting to understand the appeal of twitter.

RP: Oh, you're tweeting?

RP: Yes, under the handle @PooMyKidSays. The kid used to say lots of hilarious and weird stuff, and I would send it out as tweets or facebook statuses. These days, he's still pretty cool and clever and creative, but he doesn't voice quite as many random, absurd thoughts. So now, I tweet mine.

RP: What else?

RP: Well, I'm making slow but steady progress on my improvised piece that I've discussed here before. And yesterday I crossed something off my bucket list: I skated to work.

RP: Oh, that's exciting!

RP: Yeah, it was very nice. Hardly anyone was on the ice, because they've been opening and closing the skateway, and opening it and closing it some more, because of the erratic weather.

RP: Uh-huh.

RP: I think they've closed it again now.

RP: Seen any good movies?

RP: Well, yes, sort of. I saw Tintin, which was good. The animation is spectacular, and while I appreciate that the film wasn't a series of 3D-exploiting action sequences, it really took a while to get to the really visually exciting bits. I'd say the third act really makes the whole thing worthwhile, it's very beautiful. But the story is quite silly.
I also saw "The Artist," which didn't live up to my expectations. I really thought they were going to tell a story in a modern way, but with the constraints of a black & white, non-widescreen silent film. Instead they just made a silent film with clearer picture quality than was possible in the 1920s. The story was dull, and John Goodman just kind of mugs to the camera like a cartoon. There are some clever bits, but clever isn't enough on its own.

RP: Right, it's like that line in Fight Club, where Brad Pitt's on the plane, talking to Edward Norton, and he says "That's clever, you're a clever guy. How's that-"

RP: "How's that workin' out for ya?" Yeah. That line really hit home at a time when I pretty much defined myself by my cleverness. I haven't really loved much I've read of Palahniuk, but that line definitely represents a turning point, a light going off inside my head, you know?

RP: Right. Anything exciting on the horizon?

RP: Yes, there's the Ottawa New Music Creators "60x60" Concert. It's on Monday, January 30th at 7:30pm, at De La Salle school in Ottawa. I'm having two pieces premiered. The idea of the concert is to have 60 sixty-second pieces by 60 composers. I rearranged two pieces I'd submitted to the Vancouver Miniaturists Ensemble a few years back. One is 30 seconds long, and the other is 12.

RP: 12 seconds?

RP: Yes. The idea for the VME was that each piece could contain up to 100 notes. So I wrote a piece for 7 musicians with a lot of disjointed, twitchy, quick little rhythms. It's a very busy little piece. And when I started to approach 100 notes, I found an ending for it, and if played at the correct tempo, it's 12 seconds long.

RP: Interesting.

RP: I hope so!

RP: Anything else?

RP: Well, it looks like The Lithuanian Empire are going to reunite in July to record a second CD. I'm going to write something for it... probably a sirba. And I had a great, very weird sirba idea yesterday while in the shower. I don't think I'm ready to talk about it, though.

RP: Fair enough. Well, is that enough narcissism for today?

RP: I wish it were, but honestly, I'll probably be narcissistic again later.

RP: I look forward to it. Thanks for your time.

Dream Resume

Recently, while looking for information about the art-making technique of décollage, which perhaps most accurately describes the compositional process of my upcoming recording project, I came across something new to me: the surrealist game of making Dream Resumes. In a Dream Resume, you create a resume for yourself based on the things you've done in your dreams. I thought this was very neat, so without further ado...

Ryan Purchase, M.Mus: Curriculum Vitae

Adventure pilot, neglectful father, daredevil chauffeur, bumblebee

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ottawa, Ontario K1X XXX

613.XXX.XXXX

xxxx.xxxxxxxx@gmail.com

http://ryanpurchase.com

   CAREER HIGHLIGHTS

2011 - Chauffeured several passengers, including small children, on icy highways, at night, with eyes closed

2011 -  Navigated a shrinking automobile on a nonstop voyage through the mountain ranges of British Columbia, Switzerland, and Mordor

2010 - Discovered a plethora of hidden crawlspaces in a 200-year-old home

2009 - Member of all-star band on cruise ship; transformed crew bar area into detachable amphibious vehicle and terrorized civilians while docked in Helsinki, Finland

2004 - Effortlessly seduced female bartender in Akureyri, Iceland

1993 - With my father as co-pilot, I piloted a two-seater plane over a remote island in the Pacific ocean. The island was the cone of one dormant volcano, and a perfectly see-through lake had formed in the bowl. It remains the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Then we went to a Halloween party!

   EDUCATION

2010 - Attended orientation at unidentified Midwestern US College

-campus designed to resemble a very modern mall

2011 - Wrote high school Advanced English Literature final exam without ever attending a lecture or reading the text, pantsless.

1996-2009 - Extensive training in trying to punch B.L. by the lockers, but then suddenly going into slow-motion and completely missing him. This training culminated in waving amicably at B.L. in a sunny park in springtime, 2011.

   WORK EXPERIENCE

Trucking/Crime prevention

Duties: driving 16-wheeler along east coast with my dad. Following a picnic lunch on the beach, my father hijacked the truck and proceeded south at dangerous speeds, while I hung on to the door handle and repeatedly shouted, “this isn’t funny!”

Freelance Brakeman/Childcare

Duties: activated emergency brake on passenger train leaving station, because I’d forgotten my infant son in his stroller near the “Departures” display board.

Retail Management

Duties: overseeing sales team in successful electronics store co-owned by my sister. Also lived in store after hours (kitchenette and king-sized Murphy bed).

Courier

Duties: running back and forth for no discernible reason between a public library and the second floor (requiring extensive repairs to hardwood flooring) of a shop in Chinatown.

   SCHOLARSHIPS, AWARDS, AND GRANTS

1998 -  After turning me into a bumblebee at the waterslide park, Colin Neufeld’s girlfriend said I learned more quickly to fly than anyone else she’d turned into bees.

   OTHER INTERESTS AND ACTIVITIES

Climbing precarious stairs

At considerable personal risk, I often climb poorly-designed, narrow, stone bell-towers.

Falling

1982 (age 4) - confronted Satan on a mountaintop and was pushed off

1997 (age 20) - rode a malfunctioning cable-less magnet-powered green glass elevator, and plummeted to my death


   REFERENCES
Nameless Bartender, Karolina Restaurant - Akureyri, Iceland